|
Many people wonder, and are confused at what its like to
live in the mind of an Aorexic, or a person with an eating disorder. I wonder why people want to know what it is like, because
it is no day in the park. It is hard, it hurts, it's painful. I just sometimes wonder how I make it through the
day. But I do and that is awesome!
To Be Inside My Mind:
I want to sit, be able to write out all my thoughts and feelings so they are in some kind of order. I desire
to jot down every inner thought, to let them out, relase it all, so they can be seen and I can get help. I know that I don't
want this eating disorder anymore. But yet I still desire to be thin and feel empty. What is that? Is it maybe the fact
that I do still wish to keep the eating disorder that has taken so much from me, is it just that I want some control?, although
I know I am not in control. I know I am not in control because it feels as though someone else has grabed me by the hair and
is pulling me back into the deep dark secret life. I don't wish to be in the dark, being alone and scared. All the while,
telling myself I did good and that hunger pains are my reward, but yet truly deep down inside me, within my heart and soul,
my true self is crying out asking me if I would live to see tomorrow? Can I make the next step?
What I am feeling and what I am thinking, at this point, is so
hard. It's hard because I don't understand what is going on, I don't understand my own thoughts, and I don't understand what
it is I am feeling. I just wish someone could interpert the message, interpert the thoughts, just so that maybe I could have
some kind of understanding.
I cry inside so often and so much that it seems as though my soul is drowning
in a vast ocean. Seems like its waiting for someone to save it . I feel so hopless that it's just not fair that I feel
that way. I have come so far, but did I really do it, or is it just a cover up to start over and make people seem as though
things are alright again and life is all full of joy. All the while I am hiding my secert life, the life of hunger, starvation,
thiness and bones, wasting away to nothing.
What is wrong with me? Who in their right mind would allow themselves this
type of tourter and enjoy it? The next question would be do I really enjoy it, or does it just seem that way because I am
accomplishing a deep goal? My body being weak, my hair thinning out, my skin turning pale, it appers as though I am the living
dead. The bags under my eyes so dark and dreary, I am tired. That is all.
It just seems as though each day that goes by is just another day I don't
have to deal with, it has come and has gone; there is no significante meaning behind it, it has disappered never
to return again. Gone like the days of the old. Each new day I get older, seems useless to me; I do nothing but tourter myself,
my body. But I have to because I am still not thin enough, Yes numbers do matter, but what I think matters the most, is what
I see each day in that horrible looking glass, that ulgy reflection stareing back at me, telling me nothing but lies, that
I just take in and believe. But it never seems to go anywhere. I am still the same not thinner. Just still as fat as the day
before. Whats wrong with me? Why can't I just see what you see? I am a strang little girl, lost in an immense
desert that doesn't change. Each day the same setting as before. Slowly withering away and losing the
hope of finding my place.
Crying inside, my soul is gone, it has left me. What do I do now? How do
I live, where am I going? Just sitting here wasting away, away to nothing; wishing I was there already. My days are lost and
I am dead. Here I am lord, save me. Save me from myself, or at least save my soul that has seemed to have disappered, left;
and now is gone. I want to do what's right; I open the cabinets, but then I am afraid to take it, to open it, and put it in
my mouth. I don't ever remember being this scared before. I can't even come to think of the words to discribe how terrifying
it is, how awfully afraid I am. And while I think of that and sit and think of how rediculas this all is; who is afraid
to eat? Who in their right mind has the same thoughts as me? And yet, I seem to follow it all, I seem to listen to the stupid
"Rules" I have for myself. I just don't get it? Why do I try so hard to only in the end fail. It seems as though that's
the only thing I am good at, failing. What's the point to move on, do well for a while, to just stoup low again; maybe even
lower than before. My memoeries are bad I suppose thats what I have to live with. God has blessed me with terrible memories
and yet I still see it now, nothing has changed. I feel as though I'll have this forever, Gee, thats just dandy!. It will
never go away, I am stuck with this forever. Sometimes I think the only way to truly free myslef is through death. But I know
deep down inside death is not the answer, but it seems like a good solution. And I know thats not normal, and I know
its not good to have those thoughts. So what is wrong with me? That is all I am asking what is wrong with me, Whats WRONG!
I'm crying again, just not on the outside. It is all there inside. I
have tried kicking it out. I want it out of my life, but it's so strong, to powerful. Now it seems its mission is to
truly distroy me. Get back at me for kicking it out. Not my friend as though it seemed before, but my enemy; who has
taken me into a dark cold cell and chained me to the wall so I can't escape. What does this say? How does it inturpert? Am
I even making sense anymore? It's just not right, and I don't know how to explain it; I am my own prisoner, it just doesn't
make sense. It just doesn't. So what does it say about me? Am I just plan old crazy and should be thrown into the Nut House?
I just Don't Know?!?!?
~Kathi Lee D'Anton 2002~
(Please don't copy without permission, this is my own writing, my own
thoughts, please don't steal them. Thank You, God Bless)
|
